This morning was an off morning.
First off I woke up around 3 am and couldn’t fall back asleep. My alarm went off at 6:20. Thankfully, I hadn’t been possessed.
I woke up almost crying instantaneously. Today is my best friends last day at where we work. She’s moving on up and out into the world. I’m happy for her, but it stings. Like, holy shit I’ve been working as a temp at this place putting in overtime constantly, helping out whenever people need it, and feeling pressure and bullshit from people for almost 2 years but yet I can’t seem to find one company that will hire me with all that I’m looking for. Countless resumes sent, interviews and follow-up calls/emails and nada. And I’m not willing to settle so I guess that could possibly be part of the issue with why I’m still there.
I know, I know. It’s probably jealousy. But the thing is that jealousy would imply I want what she has. I don’t. We want different things in life and we are different individuals despite us being eerily similar at times. I don’t think I’m jealous. I think I’m simply frustrated with my own pace, my own timeline.
Always the late bloomer.
I cried and cried and had a good talking to myself which went a little something like:
Jess… I need you to pull it together. You have your health. You’re able to see another gorgeous day on earth. You have your senses, your limbs, your bank account. You have your apartment that you love, you have opportunities awaiting even if you can’t see it right now. I need you to be outside of your ego. Especially for today. I need you to be at peace with where you are. I know you’re unhappy with your job, but be at peace with it. Be at peace with it. Can you do that for me, please?
Legit. Almost verbatim.
I couldn’t stop crying for so many reasons. None of them had to do with her. It had to do with feeling like I bust my ass and search and search and still can’t find exactly what I’m looking for. Knocking on countless doors only for them to not open. And I know that it’s more than anything a blessing in disguise that these doors haven’t opened. Dodging ill work situations…and still…I prayed and pleaded to any Higher Being that would hear me, “please answer my prayer!”
I just couldn’t understand it, and still can’t. It baffles me almost daily. If not daily, definitely weekly. How is it that I’m safe, loved, smart, healthy, and yet I still feel this cognitive dissonance ? This personal hell confined to my skull and mine alone? Is this all due to my age? This time period in life where growing pains are all too familiar and sequential?
I thought of the victims in Orlando and how I feel threatened for our safety every day. I always knew life was short. With its health scares, spontaneous fatal accidents, unfortunate circumstances, the world riddled with crime, debt, and despicable acts. But now, with all our gun violence lately – forget it.
So much pain. So much violence.
And yet, here I am. The girl who seemingly has everything and I’m still crying . Why? Because I don’t have the job I want? Because I don’t feel secure in my own skin? Because I feel pressured and ugly and manipulated. Because if we create our own reality, why the fuck did I create one where I’m unhappy and borderline miserable with my occupation? All these things seem like champagne problems in comparison to the evil that some face day-to-day.
But I can’t punish myself for feeling. If all feelings are valid, I simply need to sit with my emotions. No matter how illogical they may seem. How trite, how stupid.
I thought of all the evil and fear I feel for all of us in the world today and how life is so fucking short. So short and so unpredictable despite the mundane daily activities which conceal it as predictable. And I thought of all I want to experience before my time is up.
I looked at the colorful map on my wall and was reminded that humanity may be incredibly difficult and disappointing… But ah, the actual physical earth? How enchanting. How beautiful and lush. How full of gorgeous architecture, history, and jaw dropping beautiful sights! It is rich.
I want to go to Australia. I looked at the pictures on my wall of my own travels: Paris, Italy, Spain, Nice. Looked at my picture of Old San Juan and wondered what my ancestors wanted to do with their own lives. Were they happy towards the end of it?
I want to be in a creative work environment where I feel productive, inspired, happy. Where we are working on something innovative and original. A place where I actually wake up thinking, okay! Awesome. This? I can do ! I want to do. This is cool.
I want to fall in love with some beautiful human being who falls in love with me right back. Who loves me for me, flaws and all. Who accepts me. Who laughs and shares and enjoys this time on earth with me. Who is loyal.
I want to write and have my writing be published online more. It doesn’t matter who reads it, what matters is that it leaves me. Settling on paper. My thoughts and story, out there for anyone – if they so choose – to read. But mostly, for the love of the craft. For the catharsis. The art.
I want to be free. Free from all that I’ve been conditioned to believe from society, religion, and my family. Of who I should be. The type of woman I should be. What I should do and how I should act. I want to be free mentally, emotionally, even sexually.
I thought of these things, and the tears stopped.
I put makeup on my red blotchy face and cleaned myself up.
Today, I will bring my friend flowers and buy a farewell cake for her. I’ll invite all the assistants who she has helped over the last year into a conference room and we will congratulate her, wishing her all the best in her future endeavors.
I will try my best to set my ego aside and be mature. To make peace with my own timeline and pace in life. And when, or if, the tears ever come back, I will have a talk over and over with myself about how the universe is limitless and our time on this earth is frighteningly short but filled with so much change it’s exciting. That opportunities are always around the corner. That jealousy is not needed, but what is, is an understanding and peace with where I’m at right this moment. As uncomfortable as it may be.
I will try.