So — apparently this whole writing every day thing is a bit difficult for me to keep up with. But the truth is, I’ve been so incredibly emotional these past few days; crying almost at the drop of a hat. For everything. For my past mistakes, for the fact that I’m so confused about my life right now and what I should do, and most definitely for the fact that I finally figured out my root problem with men – where it all starts and why I have so much anxiety and depression to begin with…it’s the relationship with my father.
Now, I’ve never written about this extensively or… at all come to think of it. But now, I think I will. So much frustration and sadness that maybe the writing process will help me not only connect with others, but serve as a source of catharsis.
My father had a stroke when I was 2 years old. He suffered permanent paralysis of the left side of his body, went on disability and ended his high profile career, was going through a shitty divorce, and was plagued with clinical depression. I was 2 when this all happened. I grew up in a household with so much stress, fighting, overhearing my father converse with my mother telling him how he wished he had died …the whole nine yards. And while my parent’s relationship was never physically abusive, I believe it was emotionally abusive. And I was an only child who was there for all of that. Having no one to talk to or play with, I was left alone the grand majority of the time.
My father might have been there physically, with no job staying home every single day. But he hated his life and was not there for me emotionally. The only relationship he knew how to form with me was one of logic. Good grades? How was school? That’s it the end. Nothing was ever anything more than school to him and 9 out of 10 times we literally had nothing to talk about. Plus, I hated how much he fought with my mother, the one woman who sacrificed so much and dealt with so much to take care of her disabled husband and extremely young child. She juggled a lot.
Throughout this Soul Class I’ve created for myself, I believe the Universe has been sending me lessons in different forms. Meditation, certain signs from strangers, certain conversations etc. I’ve learned a lot within these past two weeks since I’ve started this and I’ve definitely learned that there are deep subconscious beliefs I have that need to be cleared up, but more than anything I finally realized what was the reason for my past decisions with men and why I seek love so much and truly hope to fall in love one day with an incredible man — it’s because I never received that from my own father.
I know this may sound weird, but it’s wholeheartedly true. It’s also something incredibly normal. Of course I want to fall in love with an incredible man because, well…I simply want that in life. But my overall borderline obsession to find this love with a man stems from my own issues with my father.
I’ve been crying so much over it and I believe one day incredibly soon, I will write a long post about it letting everything out. But I think during this “Soul experiment” that I’m on, I’m learning a lot about personal development and in turn, about myself, my past, my deep rooted issues so that I can truly heal and move forward in a really magnificent radical way.
The Universe just so happened to have me go onto Netflix last night and see Tony Robbin’s new documentary I Am Not Your Guru . I didn’t get to finish it, and I’ve only just recently discovered Tony Robbin’s work (okay before you jump down my throat because he’s super famous, let the record show I’ve known about him but just didn’t read anything until now). Within the first 10 minutes I was already hysterically crying. I had no clue this man literally gets to the root of the subconscious mind during his seminars to address radical changes in your life so you can create the extraordinary life you want!
A young woman stood up and spoke of her desire to change her diet and why she wasn’t disciplined enough. Within minutes Tony uncovered that it had nothing to do with her diet, but had everything to do with her love/hate relationship with her father who wasn’t really there for her due to his drug addiction.
To anyone who has father issues, I think the below quotation (not exactly verbatim) of what Tony says will truly touch you and possibly move you to tears. And if you don’t have issues with your father but rather it’s your mother, perhaps it will still strike a chord:
As much as you’ve hated him he’s hated himself more. Even if he’s never shown it to you – that’s why drugs. What if you called him and told him all the things you blame him for and said I need to have a conversation with you, I gotta tell you I’ve blamed you for so much in my life but I need to make a new list. I blamed you for being addicted and for this and that but I haven’t blamed you for being the one man that I could love. I haven’t blamed you for being the greatest source of love that I know. You have to think about all the things that you used to blame him for and you need to blame him much more powerfully, you need to blame him consciously, effectively. Because if you’re going to blame people for all the bad shit you better blame them for all the good too. If you’re gonna give them credit for everything that’s messed up then you have to give them credit for everything that’s great.
I’m not asking you to stop blaming. I’m saying blame elegantly. Blame intelligently, blame effectively. Blame at the level of your soul not at the level of your fucking head. Because life is not so simple and black and white.
You wanna know what your biggest problem is? That you think you shouldn’t have them. Because problems are what make us grow, problems are what sculpt our soul. Problems are what make us become more. If we can realize that life is always happening FOR us and not TO us — game over of all the pain and suffering disappears. Your father – your problem – is your gift. He played the role he was meant to play. If he would’ve been the father you wanted, you wouldn’t be as beautiful and driven. So you better call this motherfucker up and thank him for creating such a beautiful daughter.
I needed to write that down and watch that scene over and over again. Tony had his own problems only his were with his emotionally and physically abusive mother. Yet he thanks his mother because he states, “If she was the mother I wanted her to be, I wouldn’t be the man I’m proud to be today.”
And the man is a powerhouse. He’s accomplished unspeakable heights. So clearly he turned his tumultuous and abusive childhood and upbringing into a destiny that includes helping millions of people worldwide. And you know what makes him any different from someone like me? The way he has sculpted his mind! The way he thinks about things, his drive, his ambition.
We all have our issues. We all have unspeakable disturbing things that hurt us throughout life. But we can learn so much from those dark and scary times.
I know I’m still going through things mentally right now and I’m still seeking a lot of healing for many old wounds, but I will get there. Slowly but surely God is showing me the right way to heal, and people like Tony are helping me as well due to the powerful path of personal development.
Affirmations matter, getting to the root of a wound matters, and spreading love matters so much. Love and healing are one in the same. When I spoke to my Energy healer, she told me I needed to have more compassion with myself.
And having more compassion with myself also includes subsequently having more compassion for others.
I know my father has fucked up many many times in my childhood. I know he wasn’t the dad I wanted him to be. But I also recognize so clearly that he was suffering. He couldn’t be there for me when his whole world came crashing down and he didn’t even know how to be there for himself. He became so incredibly fucking miserable that he didn’t care who he hurt and was taking it out on my mother and I in an emotional way and in a way that caused him to be absent.
There’s growth from that. There’s healing to be found in the compassion and understanding for one another’s suffering.
Today’s one important affirmation for me:
I AM healed.