So I did it. I finally did it. These past few days and weeks have really taught me that I have a lot of healing left to do and a lot of anxiety. And a lot of fear. All things that are low vibrations and really stopping me from manifesting a lot. We are meant to live and learn and play by free will. We are meant to awaken and my awakening is now. I know it.
I’m not too sure what changed exactly. But all I know is these past few weeks have turned my world upside now. I’m thinking of moving, I’ve actually started meditating more, I’m noticing more signs, I’ve been to energy healers and I tell myself positive affirmations.
When I started this post, I simply said “I did it. I finally did it.” And what I meant by that is that I finally mustered up the courage to speak my truth. I told my boss this morning, I don’t want to work here as a permanent employee, so please stop the process in trying to make me be one.
He asked me if I wanted a permanent position somewhere else in the firm, I said no. It’s the truth and it finally came out of me. Emerged from the darkness. I finally didn’t care at all about people’s opinions or what I’m “supposed” to feel about this job or how I’m “supposed to act.” I’ve had enough.
This job has taught me so much but it’s the end of my road here. I know it within me that I’m meant to go down another path. And finally being able to say that aloud is a big thing for me.
I have always stifled myself to please other people. I’ve always been pressured into things far too easily or listened way too much to other people. There are certain regrets I have about my life in terms of these things. Not speaking up, not doing things for myself, and allowing myself to be treated a certain way. It honestly sickens me.
But at the same time, this whole process is teaching me to have compassion for myself. I could point my finger all I want and blame until the cows come home and I can feel shitty about myself and my past and my “shoulda coulda wouldas” all I want, but the fact of the matter is that the past is gone. I’m not the girl I once was. I am ever evolving and spreading my wings. I am learning. And plus, the comfort of knowing that hindsight is always 20/20 speaks volumes.
There are people in this world who have been through unspeakable traumas and pains inflicted upon them by others. I’m happy to say that this has not been me. Nothing truly bad has happened to me, but the sad part is – in reality – the person who has inflicted much suffering and pain on me the most is myself.
Correction. Not myself, but my mind. And those two are very different. I think I heard this before but didn’t truly process it the way I do now…the truth is – the mind is NOT your friend. The mind was created for flight and fight purposes, on a biological level. But our mind – more specifically our ego – is not our friend. It is meant to be part of our nervous system. Fight or flight. Fear or love. More times than not, fear.
And this has absolutely nothing to do with who we truly are on a soul level and a spiritual level. The two are so fucking separate. The ego is our own separation from that God-like part of us. That stillness, that nothingness.
And for me – and countless others – if I’m meant to live life fruitfully and abundantly, I need to learn how to control my mind ten times better. So as to not let it take control of my happiness and spirituality, which is the essence of who I truly am.
Today my affirmation soared from me after speaking my truth. Today my affirmation is:
*I welcome all positive change and transformation in every area of my life.*
I not only welcome it, I intend it.
And so it will be.