It’s been an extremely long time since I’ve last written a post. Also – shout out to the fact that my last blog post started out with a similar statement. Ha!
So much has happened since my last post. For one, I’ve gone to school for Reiki practice and have spent one full weekend a month for the past 4 months meeting learning about Reiki, being a “Master” and encountering seemingly magical experiences with wonderful and spiritual people. There is definitely a reason I’ve met each and every one of them. It’s been such a rewarding experience. My teacher is incredible. She has taught me so much about life, how to ease into it, and I’ve learned lessons from these classes that I truly don’t believe I would’ve learned had I gone to another Reiki school or teacher.
Aside from that – which I would love to expand upon in future posts – I’ve been interviewing like crazy. I’m still a temp and I’ve prayed and prayed for a new role in life. I’m ready for the next step. Which brings me to why I’m writing this post to begin with.
This past week I’ve had some very interesting conversations with people. Some tell me to just stay where I am until something happens, some say to look elsewhere. But in reality, what I’ve learned the most during these past few months is that the only voice that matters is mine. I’ve placed such an importance on other people’s opinions; their voices, thoughts, feelings. But what about mine? Mine matter more. I mean, essentially, this is my life. This is nothing new at all. Common sense, really. But when you’ve spent your entire existence placing such importance on other people and their opinions, this well known fact can shake you up quite a bit.
Diving into the unknown can bring up a lot of fear and anxiety. When I was 19 years old, I went into the West Village spontaneously with my friend and got the tattoo “vivir sin miedo” written on my foot. To this day, whenever I look at it, I am reminded that I quite simply want to “live without fear” and the fact that it’s in Spanish reminds me that no matter where I am in the world, to always remember my roots. That of my family, their mother tongue, where it all started….
It might seem silly to many people, and I’ve definitely received my fair share of comments such as: “but do YOU really even live without fear?” To which I am slightly offended briefly until I remember that no, most times…I don’t live without fear. Is it something I like? No. But it’s something to work on every day. Yet, something life has helped me to redefine.
My coworker told me that if I leave, it’s a risk. Will I like the next step in my career? Will I have a great reputation there the way I do here? Everything’s a risk. It’s an unknown. It’s a grey area. However , I’m ready for that grey area. I’ve been ready for a very long time. It’s time to dip my toes into the ocean of creative endless possibilities.
There are many things I need to work on in regards to fear. I am still fearful of being vulnerable enough to open my heart to a romantic adventure, to putting my foot down and saying “no” to people who cross my boundaries one too many times, to quitting Corporate America altogether and traveling the world, to a sacred sex life etc. But when it comes to a new beginning in a new company or a new career path, the “unknown” entices me. It makes me excited. Who am I going to meet next? What new projects could I possibly work on? How will this all work out to end up serving my greater good? And the greater good of those around me?
I’ve learned fear isn’t necessarily something to be discarded. I’ve learned rather than living without fear – as my tattoo says – and doing everything that scares me, I actually don’t have to do a thing. Living without fear could quite simply be… being unapologetically you. It could mean saying you want to stay in watching Netflix alone rather than go clubbing and being confident in that decision; or it could mean leaving your six figure job and starting a nonprofit organization. It’s simply being who you are without fear or worry. It could mean a number of things to so many people, but to me this has become my new realization and definition.
I don’t need to be rebellious or “crazy”. I don’t need to “follow the societal rules” that are thrown at me and sleep with every guy who finds a bit of interest in me. I don’t need to stay at a company that I’m not wholeheartedly happy in or even see a future here, simply to please other people or do what they think I should do. It’s my path and it’s my life. I am in charge. I have a right to my own voice, my own heart, my own light, my own decisions. And I really don’t need to explain myself or hear what others have to say.
To me – this can be living without fear. This can be liberating. This can be the badass way that I’ve longed to live. Just be me.
Pretty fearless, isn’t it?